Archive for General Craziness

Animal Farm

Posted in Animal Farm with tags , , , , on June 8, 2009 by Alison Amok

“I like pigs.  Dogs look up to us.  Cats look down on us.  Pigs treat us as equals.”

-Winston Churchill


It’s almost stereotypical in our house these days.  Along with the other childless, Husband and I have created our own family out of animals.  The joke is on us though because I swear our house has ostensibly become the living incarnation of Animal Farm.  Daily, it seems as if our animals act in congress and are constantly deliberating the state of the union and the pros and cons of continued human co-habitation in our home.  Quite honestly, I often feel that if our cats ever figured out how to open the canned cat food for themselves, then Husband and I would be handed an eviction notice, tout de suite (like, yesterday).

You know, I read somewhere recently (seriously people I can’t remember everything) that cats communicate mostly through body language and tail movements and meow, basically, only to feeble-minded humans (they don’t even bother with dogs).  Because they know from birth that humans ultimately are beneath them and have only been placed upon the earth just to serve them.  From the beginning, like that popular girl from high school, they only speak to you to talk down to you.

We have three such creatures in our home.  Three cats.  Each with their own personality, their own likes and dislikes and each is a dictator in their own right.  The brilliant Jean Cocteau (he wrote Beauty and the Beast) once said “I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul”.  Because seriously nothing better defines the madhouse we live in than these three oddball characters who run my home.  I think in order to fully understand our little moth poachers, I’m going to have to name some names.  And as a little background, so far, Husband and I have found character appropriate names for our furriest family members from the timelessness of Disney.  (I say furriest because Husband leans towards being pretty furry himself 😉 )

First comes Bagheera. She is as black as her character in The Jungle Book and just as temperamental.  True to character, she leads the pack with a thinly-veiled contempt and composed exasperation for the buffoons in her charge and has fine tuned her snobbery to an art form.  She is the Princess Grace of our home and can be normally found posed regally as if anything else is just too undignified for her to even fathom. She also is the brave adventurer of the group and she spends quite a significant amount of time observing our comings and goings.  No detail is missed by her steely gaze and often it feels as if our behavior is being catalogued a la Jane Goodall for some anthropological primate research study.  She is incredibly playful and has an affinity for playing in her water bowl but it would be incredibly undignified for her to be found doing such.  She waits until she thinks you’re not watching and then she plays in the water like a toddler in the bath.  All she needs are some Bagheera-sized boats and water toys to make the image complete.  But as long as she is being watched, she is the feline version of Audrey Hepburn, all elegance and grace.

Our middle child is Louis.  Or as he is officially known, King Louie, named also from a Jungle Book character, although he prefers the more formal name of Louis.  Louis is my accident child.  Husband and I were quite satisfied with our one kitten, when we got a the fateful call from the local ASPCA.  Let me tell you, they sure saw Husband coming when he started volunteering with them because they totally knew how to tug his sentimental heartstrings.  “Hello Mr. Amok, I know you said you weren’t interested in any other animals but we have this cat that will have to put to sleep unless someone adopts him by tonight.”  And that was how Louis joined our family.  From the beginning, we knew he was, well, special.  Most days he can be found sleeping in awkward positions, hanging from furniture and snoring little kitty snores.  Lately, he has taken to standing in the corner by our front door.  Faced into the corner, like a petulant child in time out or being punished by grumpy nuns at the catholic school.  I have absolutely no idea why, but he seems content enough.  Occasionally, one of the others will visit him there as if they too are trying to figure out the mystery of the corner but they don’t stay long as apparently only Louis possesses the proper corner intuition.  Just like his namesake, Louis, more often than not, is draped across and over the edge of our furniture.  He is the hang-e-est cat I’ve ever met and is not content unless his overweight body is perilously dangling over the side of something.

Kitty, is the newest addition to our home.  Kitty came to us from Miami by way of my sisters home in North Carolina.  Dee found Kitty while on spring break in Miami and could not leave this poor, defenseless kitten in the wilds of Miami.  So because of a combination of allergies, dorm policies and fate we ended up with this vicious Kitty.  Kitty was actually named because that was the only thing she came to but we kept it because there actually is a Disney character called Kitty.  In the movie Monsters, Inc., Sulley is surprised by a stowaway little girl who mistakes his excessive fur for that of a cat and calls him Kitty.  So Kitty stuck and became a part of our dysfunctional family.  Amelia is the bane of her existence and throws quite the kitty-fit and hisses anytime Amelia dares violate Kitty’s air space.

Those who know me, as well as those just becoming familiar, know though the true baby in our family is Amelia.  Amelia is a Weimaraner, a regal breed, bred for German royalty.  Amelia Wright is her name, Wright for where she was born in Dayton, Ohio – hometown of Orville and Wilbur Wright.  And apparently the cash register, which was invented in Dayton too, who knew so much famous came from this unassuming heartland city.  Anyways, most people know an Amelia, were related to an Amelia, they like/love/hate the name.  As a child I delighted in reading the adventures of Amelia Bedelia and her literal interpretations of her housekeeping duties (she made a sponge cake out of actual SPONGE!!).  I remember learning this whole other world of words, learning that what you say isn’t so important as how you say it.  You need to read the books but this is not where Amelia got her name.  Amelia’s name comes from the movie The Aristocats, which funnily enough is Amelia’s favorite movie and she actually will sit and watch this movie.  So in the movie, the cats on their journey meet two geese sisters, Amelia and Abigail Gabble.  These talkative sisters had that geese waddle that our little puppy had down to a science.  And Amelia joined our family and has been absolutely spoiled rotten ever since.

As I said earlier, cats apparently only meow to talk to humans and my Bagheera obviously has a lot to say because she talks quite a bit to me.  About the same time each day, she joins me and will tell me her thoughts.  If I have been gone for a few hours, I am normally greeted with a loud run down of what I missed while I was gone and how her day has been going so far.  She occasionally comes to me to loudly complain about something, normally some frustration around Amelia occupying her nap space, Louis pestering her or the substandard drinking water in her bowl.  And God forbid she gets locked in a room because then you’re in for a talking to.

I think its funny because she doesn’t really talk to Husband that much.  She does like him quite well as a warm sleeping space though and his continued approval for remaining in our home is contingent of supplying a warm, human sized sleeping area. So until the day we are handed our walking papers by the High Court of Cat, Husband and I continue to graciously live in our cat’s home.  Luckily they allow us to have pets, because it would be hard to find a new castle for Princess Amelia.


For Serious?

Posted in Pancre-ass with tags , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Alison Amok

“Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.”

-George Saunders


Y’all are never going to believe this…..

So about four seconds after I hit publish on that last damn post (Pancre-Ass Act 1 & Act 2), I swear to you I felt like I got hit by the proverbial Mack truck.  And obviously I forgot to knock on wood because Husband and I ended up spending the better part of Saturday evening and Sunday morning in our home away from home, along with the trailer park best, in the ER.

I’m sure you didn’t notice but my Pancre-Ass posts were published at four in the morning on the 30th.  I was up writing that next great American novel about my pancre-ass because, surprise surprise, I was feeling a little worse than usual and so obviously my broken-ness was taking up a significant amount of gray matter.  And in a less than ladylike manner, kicking the optimistic thoughts of puppies and rainbows out on their buttocks.

All I could think was: You-Have-Absolutely-Got-To-Be-Effing-Kidding-Me.  Now pancre-ass?  You pick NOW to freak out?  Nobody invited you into this conversation and obviously you think you’re such a freakin’ comedian pulling off a stunt like this.  Does anyone want some extra irony?  Because I got a little too much of it going on around here.

(And yes I do often talk to myself in the third person.  And no, we don’t care what you think)

So, already miserable, I spent the day just digging myself a bigger hole.  I had promised Husband I would do laundry on Saturday because I really have been slacking in my Executive Vice President of Domestic Affairs duties.  So despite really really hurting, I was quickly running out of clean underwear so I forced myself to do like 9 loads of laundry.  (Stop judging, I told you I had been slacking)

Fast forward to 8 pm, Husband comes home from work at the Secret Squirrel factory and I am LITERALLY on the floor, in the fetal position, clutching my heating pad, and feeling like I’m dying.  I did have a semi-valid reason for being on the floor and wasn’t like there because I had passed out or anything.  I had just changed the sheets and broke out a new duvet cover and had made up our bed to look like those really nice hotels and refused to mess it up.  I wanted to show Husband that I’m not completely useless as a hausfrau.

So combine my stubbornness to procrastinate seeking medical interventions way past the point of being logical and this weird nesting desire to prove I really am a good wife despite being broken and all but being held together with duct tape.  So there I am and Husband, just sighed.  Because he knows that I really probably should of been seen like days ago but understands my almost pathological need to avoid extraneous hospital visits.  So Husband patiently helped me off the floor, found my purse, all but put my shoes on me and escorted me out the door and on the way to the ER.  All the way there getting a lecture the basically went like this: “Seriously Alison, you’ve got to stop doing this because you know you’re just going to be going anyways.  Basically the only one who doesn’t understand you need to go to the ER is you.  You need to stop putting it off because you know its not healthy and you just make it worse in the long run by avoiding it.”  But I was just more upset that Husband hadn’t commented on how nice I had made our bed look.

So there we are at the ER, I’m walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame because I hurt that bad and because God forbid my veins cooperate just once and I’m stuck a total of five times until the IV is placed, labs drawn and the magic of IV drugs are starting to kick in.  Doctor this time mixed it up a little bit and instead of having the usual abdominal xray or CT, I had an ultrasound to rule out something crazy.  Lab values were as expected, liver enzymes climbing higher, pancreas enzymes just barely in the normal range.  So plan is IV fluids, IV pain meds, IV nausea meds, then discharge with different pain meds for home.

So here I am, feeling much better, I’m telling you it is amazing.  While I’m still having pain, its back to the normal baseline and the crazy, breath-taking pains are few and far between again.  My hands and arms are swollen and bruised from the fluids and the disaster that results from trying to start an IV on me.  My joints are all pretty sore and my hands and feet are just swollen enough to be uncomfortable and achy to move.  All the extra fluid from the IV’s making me puff up like the StayPuff Marshmallow Man.

So the Mack Truck has been diverted from now and this annoying reminder is just a preview of what I will be experience in a month or two after my next ERCP but I’m doing ok for now and that’s all that matters.

Husband did feel bad though because he had to go infiltrate the KGB in Eastern Europe for the next few days but he promised to bring me back some nice new iron curtains.  Sister-in-law is here, although I think she is currently hiding from me because I might secretly be a total bitch while on drugs.  And as always the more than selfish yet entertaining child surrogate, Amelia.  The dog who has no clue she actually is a dog and not really one of the cats or our child.

Because of course if and when you’re on the floor in the fetal position clutching your heating pad like a life line, what comes next is your crazy dog standing over you licking your feet.  Four out of five dentists have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about but they agree.

Because duh lady, that is what makes you feel better.

Amelia said so.

A Little Levity

Posted in Comments from the Peanut Gallery with tags , , , on May 21, 2009 by Alison Amok

“My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.”

– George Bernard Shaw


I felt a little levity was needed among my readers.  So I wanted to share with you one of my favorites from my funny collection.  In my life I find organization to be my comfort.  So I tend to list, group and categorize everything (as if you haven’t already noticed).  Some people have eating disorders, I am type-A+.  For when I can’t control anything else in my life, I can control my DVD library being alphabetized.  thankyouverymuch


Hansel and Gretel DietSource

Here’s the story….

Posted in Comments from the Peanut Gallery with tags , , , , on May 7, 2009 by Alison Amok

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

– Kevin Arnold


I figured that even though I basically introduced the motley crew in my About Me page, it might behoove me to further introduce the cast of characters here in the Amok Family.

Hello, my name is Alison Amok and I’m a Sephora addict.  “Hello Alison!”

I am currently a twenty-something wife (and will be twenty-something for a few more years thankyouverymuch).  I was in the Air Force until Dec 2008, when I was medically retired for having a broken pancreas.  I served 8 years as a medic and deployed twice during the Iraq war to take care of our injured soldiers, sailors, marines and airman.  I loved being deployed but I was way too sick and needed to leave.  So now I am a stay at home wife, full time student and retiree!

I met Husband while in the Air Force, he was a reservist and a medic too.  And that’s a funny but long story so here it goes.  After basic training, I was loaded on a bus and driven to Wichita Falls, TX where my training school was.  Husband, who was already in training there, along with his friends decided that the best way to meet girls was to meet the basic training bus and help the pretty girls with their bags.  This was the only way guys were allowed into the female dorms!  So, Husband apparently thought I was pretty enough to schlep my bags up to my room.  That was the first time we met.  Then that afternoon Husband and his bestie gave a few of us newbies a tour of the base and  he carried my supplies for me then too!  The second time was in the smoke pit during a blizzard!  As we all huddled trying to stay warm and ruin our lungs at the same time he was introduced to me again!  We were introduced again for the THIRD time across the country in Maryland where we were doing our clinical training at the hospital outside of DC.  He had just bought a brand new Jeep and had been promoted and was showing off his new stripes and ride.  Obviously Fate thought we really needed to get together, and we ran into each other for a FOURTH time when I was working in the ER one night. That night a patient came in in full cardiac arrest and apparently I am very sexy while saving lives because he asked me what I was doing that weekend while I was doing CPR.  The patient didn’t make it, but we did!  That was a Thursday, I will never forget it because I was supposed to go home to my parents in Raleigh the next day for the three-day Presidents Day weekend.  I decided to hand out with Husband Friday night, and leave early Saturday morning for home.  We stayed up all Friday night talking and laughing.  I drove home Saturday and when I came back Monday evening I moved into Husband’s hotel room and never left!  That was 7 years ago on Feburary 28th, 2002.  We were engaged 6 months later and eloped in July 2004.  We then had our traditional Catholic wedding in December 2004.

About two years ago Husband took a job with the government to be a Secret Squirrel and he had to move to DC.  I, courtesy of the Air Force, remained in Ohio.  Along with his Secret Squirrel career, Husband also runs his private business which is where I get my EVoDA title.  In his business I carry the title of Vice President, but since I have absolutely no responsibilities there and am a stay at home wife, I retitled myself the Executive Vice President of Domestic Affairs (hehe get it???).

Currently my sister-in-law, Sil, lives with us because DC is an expensive place to live!  She’s single and needed a place to stay and it was nice having her close to us.

As you’ve already read, Husband and I have been struggling with fertility issues for 3 years now.  We have our wonderful weimaraner, Amelia Wright, who knows she’s our only child and is completely spoiled rotten.  We also have 3 very weird but wonderful cats, Bagheera, King Louie (he answers to Louis though) and Kitty.

I’d say that is about all for now and those who know me can totally agree that this post could go on forever.  And obviously I have to leave something to write about in the future!

So welcome to my life.  Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.  Be advised this ride is unpredictable, completely unstable and bound to go completely off the rails.

Now its your turn, where do you blog about your life?


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 20, 2009 by Alison Amok

Ok into…. um.   I’m Alison… I live in the DC metro area.  I’m married to Husband.  No kids yet but we’ve been trying to concieve now for over three years!  We have a dog, Amelia (our surragate for a baby).  My sister in law also lives with us.  

So basically this space will be for me to vent, to make new friends and to basically help me from LOSING MY MIND!  

I’m a mommy blogger at heart…. just without the kids!