Archive for EVPoDA

For Serious?

Posted in Pancre-ass with tags , , , , on June 1, 2009 by Alison Amok

“Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.”

-George Saunders


Y’all are never going to believe this…..

So about four seconds after I hit publish on that last damn post (Pancre-Ass Act 1 & Act 2), I swear to you I felt like I got hit by the proverbial Mack truck.  And obviously I forgot to knock on wood because Husband and I ended up spending the better part of Saturday evening and Sunday morning in our home away from home, along with the trailer park best, in the ER.

I’m sure you didn’t notice but my Pancre-Ass posts were published at four in the morning on the 30th.  I was up writing that next great American novel about my pancre-ass because, surprise surprise, I was feeling a little worse than usual and so obviously my broken-ness was taking up a significant amount of gray matter.  And in a less than ladylike manner, kicking the optimistic thoughts of puppies and rainbows out on their buttocks.

All I could think was: You-Have-Absolutely-Got-To-Be-Effing-Kidding-Me.  Now pancre-ass?  You pick NOW to freak out?  Nobody invited you into this conversation and obviously you think you’re such a freakin’ comedian pulling off a stunt like this.  Does anyone want some extra irony?  Because I got a little too much of it going on around here.

(And yes I do often talk to myself in the third person.  And no, we don’t care what you think)

So, already miserable, I spent the day just digging myself a bigger hole.  I had promised Husband I would do laundry on Saturday because I really have been slacking in my Executive Vice President of Domestic Affairs duties.  So despite really really hurting, I was quickly running out of clean underwear so I forced myself to do like 9 loads of laundry.  (Stop judging, I told you I had been slacking)

Fast forward to 8 pm, Husband comes home from work at the Secret Squirrel factory and I am LITERALLY on the floor, in the fetal position, clutching my heating pad, and feeling like I’m dying.  I did have a semi-valid reason for being on the floor and wasn’t like there because I had passed out or anything.  I had just changed the sheets and broke out a new duvet cover and had made up our bed to look like those really nice hotels and refused to mess it up.  I wanted to show Husband that I’m not completely useless as a hausfrau.

So combine my stubbornness to procrastinate seeking medical interventions way past the point of being logical and this weird nesting desire to prove I really am a good wife despite being broken and all but being held together with duct tape.  So there I am and Husband, just sighed.  Because he knows that I really probably should of been seen like days ago but understands my almost pathological need to avoid extraneous hospital visits.  So Husband patiently helped me off the floor, found my purse, all but put my shoes on me and escorted me out the door and on the way to the ER.  All the way there getting a lecture the basically went like this: “Seriously Alison, you’ve got to stop doing this because you know you’re just going to be going anyways.  Basically the only one who doesn’t understand you need to go to the ER is you.  You need to stop putting it off because you know its not healthy and you just make it worse in the long run by avoiding it.”  But I was just more upset that Husband hadn’t commented on how nice I had made our bed look.

So there we are at the ER, I’m walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame because I hurt that bad and because God forbid my veins cooperate just once and I’m stuck a total of five times until the IV is placed, labs drawn and the magic of IV drugs are starting to kick in.  Doctor this time mixed it up a little bit and instead of having the usual abdominal xray or CT, I had an ultrasound to rule out something crazy.  Lab values were as expected, liver enzymes climbing higher, pancreas enzymes just barely in the normal range.  So plan is IV fluids, IV pain meds, IV nausea meds, then discharge with different pain meds for home.

So here I am, feeling much better, I’m telling you it is amazing.  While I’m still having pain, its back to the normal baseline and the crazy, breath-taking pains are few and far between again.  My hands and arms are swollen and bruised from the fluids and the disaster that results from trying to start an IV on me.  My joints are all pretty sore and my hands and feet are just swollen enough to be uncomfortable and achy to move.  All the extra fluid from the IV’s making me puff up like the StayPuff Marshmallow Man.

So the Mack Truck has been diverted from now and this annoying reminder is just a preview of what I will be experience in a month or two after my next ERCP but I’m doing ok for now and that’s all that matters.

Husband did feel bad though because he had to go infiltrate the KGB in Eastern Europe for the next few days but he promised to bring me back some nice new iron curtains.  Sister-in-law is here, although I think she is currently hiding from me because I might secretly be a total bitch while on drugs.  And as always the more than selfish yet entertaining child surrogate, Amelia.  The dog who has no clue she actually is a dog and not really one of the cats or our child.

Because of course if and when you’re on the floor in the fetal position clutching your heating pad like a life line, what comes next is your crazy dog standing over you licking your feet.  Four out of five dentists have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about but they agree.

Because duh lady, that is what makes you feel better.

Amelia said so.


Here’s the story….

Posted in Comments from the Peanut Gallery with tags , , , , on May 7, 2009 by Alison Amok

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

– Kevin Arnold


I figured that even though I basically introduced the motley crew in my About Me page, it might behoove me to further introduce the cast of characters here in the Amok Family.

Hello, my name is Alison Amok and I’m a Sephora addict.  “Hello Alison!”

I am currently a twenty-something wife (and will be twenty-something for a few more years thankyouverymuch).  I was in the Air Force until Dec 2008, when I was medically retired for having a broken pancreas.  I served 8 years as a medic and deployed twice during the Iraq war to take care of our injured soldiers, sailors, marines and airman.  I loved being deployed but I was way too sick and needed to leave.  So now I am a stay at home wife, full time student and retiree!

I met Husband while in the Air Force, he was a reservist and a medic too.  And that’s a funny but long story so here it goes.  After basic training, I was loaded on a bus and driven to Wichita Falls, TX where my training school was.  Husband, who was already in training there, along with his friends decided that the best way to meet girls was to meet the basic training bus and help the pretty girls with their bags.  This was the only way guys were allowed into the female dorms!  So, Husband apparently thought I was pretty enough to schlep my bags up to my room.  That was the first time we met.  Then that afternoon Husband and his bestie gave a few of us newbies a tour of the base and  he carried my supplies for me then too!  The second time was in the smoke pit during a blizzard!  As we all huddled trying to stay warm and ruin our lungs at the same time he was introduced to me again!  We were introduced again for the THIRD time across the country in Maryland where we were doing our clinical training at the hospital outside of DC.  He had just bought a brand new Jeep and had been promoted and was showing off his new stripes and ride.  Obviously Fate thought we really needed to get together, and we ran into each other for a FOURTH time when I was working in the ER one night. That night a patient came in in full cardiac arrest and apparently I am very sexy while saving lives because he asked me what I was doing that weekend while I was doing CPR.  The patient didn’t make it, but we did!  That was a Thursday, I will never forget it because I was supposed to go home to my parents in Raleigh the next day for the three-day Presidents Day weekend.  I decided to hand out with Husband Friday night, and leave early Saturday morning for home.  We stayed up all Friday night talking and laughing.  I drove home Saturday and when I came back Monday evening I moved into Husband’s hotel room and never left!  That was 7 years ago on Feburary 28th, 2002.  We were engaged 6 months later and eloped in July 2004.  We then had our traditional Catholic wedding in December 2004.

About two years ago Husband took a job with the government to be a Secret Squirrel and he had to move to DC.  I, courtesy of the Air Force, remained in Ohio.  Along with his Secret Squirrel career, Husband also runs his private business which is where I get my EVoDA title.  In his business I carry the title of Vice President, but since I have absolutely no responsibilities there and am a stay at home wife, I retitled myself the Executive Vice President of Domestic Affairs (hehe get it???).

Currently my sister-in-law, Sil, lives with us because DC is an expensive place to live!  She’s single and needed a place to stay and it was nice having her close to us.

As you’ve already read, Husband and I have been struggling with fertility issues for 3 years now.  We have our wonderful weimaraner, Amelia Wright, who knows she’s our only child and is completely spoiled rotten.  We also have 3 very weird but wonderful cats, Bagheera, King Louie (he answers to Louis though) and Kitty.

I’d say that is about all for now and those who know me can totally agree that this post could go on forever.  And obviously I have to leave something to write about in the future!

So welcome to my life.  Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.  Be advised this ride is unpredictable, completely unstable and bound to go completely off the rails.

Now its your turn, where do you blog about your life?


Posted in's what's for dinner with tags , , on May 5, 2009 by Alison Amok

Admittedly, the title of this post could totally be taken weird but ya know what?  I don’t care.

I’m getting ready to make dinner and being Executive Vice President of Domestic Affairs (EVPoDA), that falls under my responsibilities.

And tonight is Mexican Night.  And I love mexican food.  I mean I HEART HEART HEART it.  I for serious could eat mexican every night.  We don’t but mostly because Husband would kill me.  But I think about it.

Ok, as you were, we now return you to your life, already in progress.