“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”
Infertility is a bitch. And to be frankly honest, so am I. So why is it so hard to give up the fight? Why do we continue with the stress and the drugs and the tests and the never ending negative pregnancy tests?
Adoption is an option. An option that unfortunately is a source of great heartache between Husband and me. I want to adopt. I want a baby. I want a child. I want to know that this little person is ours and will forever be my family. Husband wants his OWN baby, his OWN child. A child that biologically is his. This is a stance that I cannot seem to grasp. I try to explain to him that even an adopted child will be HIS child. His son. His daughter. Because as I like to remind him, it’s not like you can return them.
I come from a large family. My mother was one of eleven. Yes you read that right. Eleven children! Eleven children , nine of which had children of their own. You are never at a loss for friends when you have a gajillion cousins. Yes a gajillion. This big, loud family was the norm for me. I love the noise, the companionship, the constant conversations. I LOVE the fact that there is always fourteen different conversations going on at once. We all have opinions, we all have our own personalities, we were never at a loss for a good debate. No subject was taboo – sex was talked about at the dinner table, religion debated over coffee and current events for breakfast.
And as much as I love Husband, I admit I find myself wistfully daydreaming about the day when my own house will be the madhouse I know and love. Husband is a quiet man. Well thats not intirely true. He is a shy person but once he is comfortable around you, you can hardly get him to shut up. He is passionate, intelligent, well read and honest but he is most comfortable with quiet. His family is the incredibly quiet kind. The kind where you could be around them for days and not have a conversation more derisive then the weather patterns. Don’t get me wrong, his family is fabulous and I honestly love them. I, daily, am grateful for being lucky enough to have in-laws that are honestly good people and crazily enough, they like me!
It just is that I normally do not operate with a verbal filter. I tend to say exactly what pops into my mind and verbalize these crazy thoughts without forethought to how incredibly stupid I probably sound. And when I’m around the in-laws, because I know I lean towards filter-less, I get incredibly nervous and then tend to say even stupider things! I often feel like the undereducated, southern hick that I am. I mean I know I’m really smart. I know that his parents like me. But for whatever reason I tend to be even more open-mouth-insert-foot than normal.
But back to my original point. Husband has agreed that no matter what, we will eventually adopt. We both honestly feel that we are two level-headed, intelligent beings. We have good morals and values and believe we can offer a good household to any child. Where we go off course though is that I’m ready to adopt now, Husband is not. I can see his side, he wants a child that is “his”. And I know Husband is nervous about children. I know he has little experience with babies and the little he does have was due to my borrowing friends kids so he can experience them. I know he is fearful of the unknown. I know he will be the best father ever because I would never of married him otherwise.
I think I press the adoption issue more because I believe Husband will be a great father. I believe he deserves children who love him and he loves. I believe that more than anything Husband wants to be a father and I am daily heartbroken that I cannot provide him with children. Aside with my personal feelings towards the incompetence of my fertility, I grieve for Husband and the children he so dearly wants to love. I know that even though an adopted child is not biologically ours, that child will be fiercely loved.
I want to provide Husband with a child, I need to prove that even though I am useless producing children that I will be a good mother. I need to prove that he choose right when he married me and somedays it seems that being childless undermines our marriage. I have failed him. I have failed myself. I have failed our parents who long for grandchildren too. But mostly I have failed him. I know Husband loves me. I do know that even if we never have children and only have our dogs and each other that he will be happy. I know that we only need each other but I want to give him this. I need to give him children.
The idea of our potential family is never far from our minds. So, as one day turns into another, we will continue on this road together. We will continue to grow together but I think we always leave a little space in our lives for the children God will eventually provide us with. And while we continue to pray for the empty spaces at our table to be occupied, I think we learn to love each other a little bit more.