Useless Uterus

“If at first you don’t suceed, failure may be your style.”

– Quentin Crisp

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Money, love, friendship, youth and fertility…. all things you never fully appreciate until its gone.  Admittedly, fertility in my case was never possessed but that’s beside the point.  Fertility is always one of those assumed things.

A + B = C      A(boy)+Beautiful(girl)=cute(child)  – my math teacher mother would love my use of math to make a point.

For those of you who have perfectly functioning uteruses (uterii?!?) you have absolutely no idea what its like to know failure.  And this failure takes on a completely new meaning to the word.  This failure is not just an inability to pass a class, or failure to stop at a stop sign, or failure to adjust to a new situation.  This is a failure that goes to the heart of my purpose for being on God’s green earth.  Its the cruelest irony after years of complaining about crazy periods and being told its normal for periods to fluctuate and to be painful.  I suffer silently knowing that I probably never will “accidentally” become pregnant.  I will never have the simple joy of thinking “huh, I haven’t had a period in a while.  Oh  hey I’m pregnant!”  Its horrifying to think that in order for me to get pregnant it is going to require me to toss my modesty aside and put my most private parts and desires on display.

And to add insult to injury EVERYONE has an opinion!  I mean absolutely EVERYONE!  What is it about our society that thinks that they have a right to pass on some weird tip or advice when they basically have no idea what they’re talking about.  Crazy lady who has 4 kids, all of which were conceived while on birth control and/or by accident: telling me to relax is like telling someone with pneumonia to stop coughing.  If you’re trying to conceive you CANNOT relax about it.  Because seriously, you need to be crazy about it in order to become pregnant.  You have to track freakin’ everything, your cervical fluid, your basal temperature, your ovulation, and the DRUGS!  Fertility drugs, ohmygod, these alone make it impossible to relax. You cannot relax when you are trying to conceive!

For someone who doesn’t ovulate, and apparently hasn’t in quite sometime, forcing me to ovulate as turned me into some 13 year old who just started getting her period.  I have mood swings, well Husband swears they’re more like mood attacks, and ACNE!  I’m an adult!  Its the worst.

But back to advice.  Some stranger once basically told me that only women who were sluts have fertility problems because she read somewhere that gonorrhea and chlamydia and STD’s all cause infertility.  So I in turn replied : Well listen up crazy lady, and sorry for being graphic here but, a slut I never was and I have never had an STD.  So explain that now.  And of course she could not.  Surprise surprise.  And there is then the religious variant of this crazy who verbalized that obviously God doesn’t think I deserve children.  Because apparently they are a gift from God and if I have not been gifted yet, then its an act of God.  Ok.  Um… well huh…  I consider myself to be a moral person.  And while I’m obviously not the most perfect person I highly doubt my fertility is God punishing me a la the great flood or something.  And you Mean Jesus Lady are crazy!

And then there always is the lovely ladies who feel they need to tell me that they are so fertile that if their husband just looks at them the wrong way they get knocked up.  Seriously, SERIOUSLY!  You felt that was necessary to tell me?

The worst is when people ask “Who’s fault is it?  Yours or your husbands?  Is his sperm ok?”  As if my inability to get pregnant is a personal fault!  As if I just tried a little harder then I would get pregnant.  This isn’t the SAT’s people, studying for it isn’t going to make me better at babymaking.  And dear Stranger, what makes you think that it is socially acceptable to ask in public, whether or not my husband’s sperm is functioning properly.

Husband is as supportive as he can be but most days I think my collection of medical problems is a little overwhelming, even to him.  FYI, I also have pancreatic issues that compound the problem but I’ll get into that in another post.  But he honestly has just no clue sometimes.   I love him anyways!

I know most of these crazy people mostly have the best of intentions in mind.  But remember: Hell is paved with good intentions.

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4 Responses to “Useless Uterus”

  1. You read my mind. For nearly a decade, I heard the stories of how so-and-so just relaxed and got pregnant, or how maybe if I ate this or did, I’d get a period. It took getting naked in front of a stranger, getting poked and prodded, and having all sorts of fun ultrasounds and an hsg to figure out that I have PCOS and dont ovulate. Fun times. Seeing an RE was the best thing that ever happened to me because I finally got a diagnosis. But even she, in her goodness, couldnt tell me that, on top of that sh!t, I also have an incompetent cervix. It took me losing my twins and my little boy due to their prematurity to show that. And yet, still, I’ve heard the “it’s God’s will” or “maybe you shouldnt have kids” or “it was all for the best” or the dreaded “just relax and everything will work out.” Sometimes I wish people could hear just how dumb they are.

  2. Despite the fact that I must classify myself with the people who don’t understand what it’s like to experience fertility problems, I will stand with the group who wants so badly for you to run the gammit of emotions of having a child. I want it so badly for you and if there were ever anything that I could do to help bring that into your life, I would with no questions asked. Whether it’s “God’s will” or “meant to be” or whatever is not for me to decide. I know you deserve it just as much as you desire it. I lova you.

  3. Bravo. Well said. I hate stupid advice like: JUST RELAX. STOP STRESSING. Seriously? You hold two babies and give me this smug advice as though you being a carefree butterfly is the direct cause of your children? Sorry, I guess my having PCOS has nothing to do with my fertility problems at all.

    Ugh. Sorry for venting in the comments.

    I agree with you compeltely.

    • Alison Says:

      Kate! Don’t apologize for venting! That is why we all are here! This sisterhood of infertiles was made out of necessity because unfortunately unless you have a problem you have no clue! Welcome to my world, I always need a new sister! I’m glad you are here. And as unlucky I’m sure you feel about your PCOS I’m jealous you at least know why you’re having problems. My infertility apparently is caused by my uncooperative ovaries, they’ve decided that because my pancreas has decided to quit working they need to boycott too!
      I’m glad you’re here listening to my story and support me through this trying time and I hope I can do the same for you!

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